Is There a Doctor in the House?

Wheelchair life is one big video game

Written in the thick of the pandemic, and dedicated to Judy Heumann, who fought to make grocery stores and everything else accessible.

When I write, I'm trying to open minds by sharing my experiences. And now, my friends, I'm going to do just that for you. I want you to see things through my eyes -- but I'll need your help. If you'll look behind my ear, there's a little latch. I'm quadriplegic and can't reach it myself. So, if could you get that for me? Thanks! It pops right up and the whole top flips off… Like so! Now you can climb right into the captain's chair you see there behind my eyes. Go on, get yourself a seat. Get comfortable. There. Flip it back closed, and all right! You'll find emergency exits to your left and to the right. Now, strap yourself in: It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 

We've been keeping Covid-cautious, but today's a special mission because we're out of staples here at the house. But even more importantly, my wife is out of Dr. Pepper, and caregivers and lovers cannot exist by bread alone. So it's Diet DP STAT! I mean, you haven't seen my wife without Diet DP. Yike! We'd better hurry. Let's go!

We push through the front door and already she has the wheelchair lift lowered. We'll back onto the wheelchair lift. Then up we go into the van, and into the back of the van, making sure there's room on all four sides for the tiedowns. Then, kick on the jams and we're on our way. 

Now, rules of the road. These country roads are bumpy, so you have to hold on tight. So I want all of you to do an exercise with me right now. I want you to tighten your stomach muscles. Go on. Pull in your belly button to your spine, and push your elbows into the armrests. Can you feel how tight your belly is right now? Good, because brace yourself! here come the railroad tracks! Arrgh! It's rough riding with me, but hang in there, 'cause we're just getting started. I promise I'll try to warn you of potholes, all right? 

We turn out onto the state highway. We pass the rusted woodmill. The homesteads with shaggy trees. There's a few ranches and an old family cemetery we go by. Seven miles into town, New Albany, Texas, population 2041. There's not lot of money for roads and everyone drives big trucks. So, watch out, POTHOLE! Whew! I told you it would be a rough ride, right? And don't relax, because pulling into the Dollar Store is an even bigger one -- BRACE YOURSELF! I warned ya. But tell you what: Hang in there, and I'll pick up a treat for youinside. The fun part is still to come. Now let's park this beast, mask up, and get this done. 

OK, it's time to play a game. Remember Pac-Man, the classic arcade game? You know the one. Well, this will be like Pac-Man, but it's in 3D. You and I are going to navigate the maze of aisles, looking for our treasures -- which today are going to be Noodles, Fruit, and Protein Bars. All the while, we'll have to dodge the obstacles we find, and especially avoid the "Blue Goblins," the folks not wearing masks, which these days, is pretty much everyone. The clock will be ticking, so we gotta be quick. Take too long, and you could catch Covid: Game over. Meanwhile, Mab will be working on a list of her own, and afterward we'll meet up and get the heck out of there. So get ready. Player One, begin! 

We go down the first aisle. Waka waka waka waka waka. That's the noise I make behind my mask. It's from the old Pac-Man game, remember that? You should see the stares I get when people see me go by: "What the?" Waka waka waka waka waka waka! But we can't have too good of a time: If I don't keep my eyes on the road, I tend to crash into stuff and then it's, "Clean up on Aisle 1!" But already we've found our first item, and that is Pad Thai Noodles. Of course I can't reach them, and I can't write it down, so I memorize P for Pad Thai Noodles, and then it's off to the next aisle. Waka waka waka waka waka.

Aisle 2, there's a pallet in the middle of the aisle. Skip! Go to the next section. All right, now we're in produce. Hmm, the apricots look good. OK, A is for apricots. So we already have P, and now we have A. But we also have, like, a family reunion happening here on the left. and on the right, incoming! A goblin! Back up out of there. Beep-beep-beep-beep. Waka waka waka waka waka waka!

Next aisle. We get three-quarters of the way down and there's a shopping cart that I can't quite squeeze past. (Game show loser sound.) Turn around, go all the way back to the beginning of the aisle.

Next aisle, coast is clear! Let's go, go, zigzagging through the next couple aisles, looking ... and there! It's our final treasure. The protein bars. Actually they're called Lara Bars. L is for Lara. So we've got P, we've got A, and now there's an L. P-A-L, that spells "pal." Let's find Mab and we'll track down pal. Come on! Waka waka waka waka waka. And of course, she's secured the prime directive, which is a grocery cart full of Diet DP, liquid gold, Texas tea. Mission accomplished! Let's pay up and blow this popsicle stand. Waka waka waka waka waka waka.

All right, here we are, safely back in the van. And since you were such a good sport, I got you that treat I promised. It's a Twix bar. And I hope you like to share, because remember ... I know where the potholes are!